Secret thoughts
by Ellie Sage
Summary: I just wrote. Hopefully it turned out good. Let me know. If not, then I'll totally kill it. Bad language. I can't write and not use bad language. I talk that way in real life. It's unavoidable. EO, by the way. Like you didn't know...
1. Chapter 1

_**A/N: I'm having issues with my other story. So I started a new one. It'll come to me. Just wait. Dude, yesterday I was trying to convince my Grandmother that Kathy is whore. You know, for sleeping with her own husband, when he should have been out sleeping with Olivia. I was like "What is this world coming to? Jordan! Tell Grandma that Kathy's a whore." Jordan immediately jumps up and goes "Kathy's a whore!" As loud as he can. He does my bidding, and I find that endearing.  
**_

_**Disclaimer: I don't own them. This saddens me.**_

Elliot had just arrived home, after several days without sleep. He was ready to fall into bed and forget about the rest of the world. As he had gotten about half way up the staircase, he heard his wife call his name.

"Elliot?"

He turned around, not happy at all that he had to walk back downstairs.

"What?"

"Um, I wanted to talk to you about something." Kathy told him as she gestured for him to join her in the kitchen.

Elliot reluctantly followed, dragging his feet. Once seated, Kathy looked at him from across the table, worry and anger written across her face.

"What's wrong?" Elliot asked.

Kathy simply pulled something out of her pocket and dropped it onto the table. It bounced once and settled on it's side. The sound it made was unnaturally loud. Like someone had just pounded on a gong, right next to his ear.

"What is that?" Kathy asked, all business.

Elliot tried to think quickly, tried to come up with an answer that would explain it all. The only answer that could do such a thing would be the truth. And the truth wasn't his best friend at the moment. It would only serve to get him in even more trouble.

"Answer me, Elliot."

Still, he didn't speak. Kathy got up from her seat, taking the object with her. She walked over to the garbage can and just as she was about to throw it in, Elliot spoke.

"No!" Elliot jumped up from his seat.

He quickly made his way over to Kathy, taking the shiny metal from her.

"Elliot, there has to be an explanation. Anything. Please?" She was starting to beg.

"It's probably exactly what you think it is." Elliot said.

He turned then, and moved toward the kitchen door. He didn't want to discuss it. It was supposed to be a secret. A secret he would have kept forever.

"Elliot!" Kathy called after him. "Where are you going?"

"To bed." Was his reply.

He managed to get his clothes off and into bed before Kathy appeared in the doorway. She was desperate for an answer. An answer that meant she had been wrong.

"Elliot, we have to talk about this."

"There's nothing to talk about, Kathy."

"I can't believe you're saying that! You can't honestly expect me to act like I never saw it."

Elliot threw the covers off of his mostly naked body. Standing up, he looked at her, standing at the foot of the bed.

"What do you want me to say?" He asked.

"You bought it?"

"Yes." He answered truthfully.

"Why?" Her voice was quieter now. Sad.

"I..felt like I needed to. It wasn't something I planned. I was there. I bought it. That was the extent of my thought process."

"It's engraved. You had to be thinking something." Elliot was quickly growing tired of this conversation.

"It was a long time ago. I don't remember my every thought."

"That's bullshit, Elliot. You know what you were thinking. Perhaps exactly what it says?" She replied, her voice becoming loud again.

He was silent once again.

"Maybe I should leave." Elliot suggested.

"I think that would be wise." Kathy nodded in agreement.

Elliot got dressed as fast as he could, throwing a few changes of clothes into a suitcase. He left his house in search of a hotel. After driving around for over an hour, to clear his head, he pulled into the parking lot of a hotel. He picked this one because it was close to the precinct.

Elliot paid for his room and proceeded to get ready for bed. He climbed into bed and pulled the covers over his lower body. Before turning off the bedside lamp, Elliot looked down at the small metal object that had made him unwelcome in his home.

A ring. So small, but so meaningful. He shook his head, with a smile on his face as he caught site of the engraving. He really needed to work on his discreetness.

He turned off the lamp and scooted down in the bed. He fell asleep that night, peacefully. With a ring that told of his most secret thoughts, beside his bed.

_O & E Forever._

_**You like? Should I keep going?**_


	2. Chapter 2

_**A/N: Sorry. Had to write everything all over again. Got a new computer though. Hopefully it does it's job right. If not...I'll kick it into submission.**_

Elliot awoke the next day hoping it had all been a dream. As he opened his eyes and took in his surroundings he realized it hadn't been. It was real. All of it.

He should have gotten rid of the ring a long time ago. He should have never bought it. It was too late now. He had to call Kathy and work it out.

He reached over to the nightstand, picked up the phone and purposely avoided looking at the ring, that still lay there. He dialed his home number. Or what was his home number. He hadn't officially been kicked out, right? It wasn't permanent. Was it?

Kathy answered on the second ring.

"Kath."

"Elliot." She didn't sound all that thrilled to hear from him.

"We need to talk."

"I have things I have to take care of."

"We have to take care of _this _thing." He half whispered, as if someone would overhear.

"I've already taken care of it, Elliot. Have a nice life." With that she hung up.

She obviously didn't mean what he thought she meant. He hoped she didn't mean what he thought she meant.

He briefly considered going in to work. It was his day off, but work was a great distraction. Who had time to think about how their life was going straight to hell, when they were dealing with sick freaks all day?

Upon realizing that Olivia would most likely be there, given that the woman didn't know when to quite, he decided against it. _Avoid Olivia. _He intended to do just that. He quickly dressed himself and headed out in pursuit of a strong cup of coffee. _Fuck coffee. Hard Liquor_.

* * *

Several hours and 1,258 shots later, or so he guessed, Elliot still had no answers to his problems. Why he thought he'd have answers when he didn't even want to think about his troubles in the first place was beyond him.

He came to the conclusion that he should leave, before he died of alcohol poisoning. Surely that wouldn't help. Or would it? In any case, he needed to leave.

Considering he was almost too drunk to walk, driving was a bad idea. Elliot stumbled along, aimlessly, searching for the next thing that would occupy his mind. Anything that would keep his thoughts from straying to Olivia or Kathy or the fact that he was pretty sure his marriage was over.

Soon Elliot realized he wasn't going to find anything worth his while, and he headed back to his hotel room. Planning on sleeping through the rest of the day and the entire night, he stripped down to his boxers and climbed into bed.

Things would look better tomorrow. That's what he told himself as he prepared for the killer hangover that awaited him. He fell asleep quickly. Nothing tires a man out like avoiding his problems like the plague.

* * *

Elliot blinked himself awake the next morning with a new knowledge that sleep, though necessary, was evil. His dreams did nothing to sooth his worries and stresses. In fact, they made them worse. He hoped sleep died.

It reminded him of the times he'd wished death would befall math, as a child. _Sleep and math must die._ It was a perfectly reasonable punishment.

Elliot's cell phone interrupted his thoughts with a shrill ring.

"Stabler." He answered.

"Hey, El." Came Olivia's cheerful voice.

It was almost as if she knew when he was avoiding her and deliberately chose those times to call him for a little chat.

"Liv." Was his reply.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Nothing. Something. Stuff. Why are you so happy?"

"Nothing, something, stuff, huh? Sounds fun. Am I not allowed to be happy? Are we making that a rule now?" She teased.

"No, it's just not normal. Be happy though. Knock yourself out."

"I'll do that...Come over." Olivia demanded in that voice that he always obeyed.

He wasn't going to fall for it. _Temptress._

"Can't. I..have stuff to do." Elliot lied.

"No you don't. If you had 'stuff' to do, you'd be doing it. You never stay on the phone for more than five seconds when you have 'stuff' to do."

He could tell she was making air quotes with her fingers, every time she said "stuff", by the way her voice changed.

"Speaking of which, I really have to go, Liv. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

"Tomorrow?"

"Work."

"Are you avoiding me, Stabler?" Olivia jested.

_Shit, she's onto me..._

"No. Don't be ridiculous. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

Click.

_That sounded convincing._ He sarcastically thought. Elliot got out of bed quickly. For what, he wasn't sure. He must have wanted a head start on his day of nothing but drinking. That made sense. Can't waste a second.

_**Like? Next one will be longer and better. I promise.**_


	3. Chapter 3

He was almost thankful that he was going back to work. Elliot had started to miss things. He didn't want to admit that it was just one thing, and really more of a person than a thing. That would have been asking for trouble.

But he knew it already, deep down. Because a person always knows what they really want. He wanted her. But even thinking that would be admitting it, so he hums loudly in his head.

Another case, another day of nothing but freaks, and pedophiles, and rapists, and lunch, and interrogation and time ticking by. A day of avoiding Olivia, because miss her or not, that's still the plan. That's still the course of action, or non-action, he's chosen to take.

That plan was pretty much shot to shit the moment he walked through the door. She was there. She was always there. He knew she would be, he just hoped she would be late for once in her life.

How would one avoid their partner, anyway? It could very well be impossible. He was stupid to have thought he could.

"You seem distracted." Olivia commented as they sat in a coffee house.

"Probably because I am." Elliot said back.

"Why?" She asked, pure curiosity written across her face.

"That's none of your business." He said, just before a teenage boy brought them their coffee.

"Alright..." She trailed off.

Elliot looked around, as if he should have been meeting someone. She didn't buy it and he knew she wouldn't.

"Contrary to what you might believe, I _have_ noticed that you haven't made eye contact once, today." Olivia told him.

She was calling him out. He wasn't taking the bait.

"Drop it."

"Tell me what's wrong."

"Drop it, Olivia." He ground out.

* * *

"Do you actually expect me to sit here and take this shit from you?" Olivia shouted, standing up from her desk. "You've been an ass all day, Elliot. You either won't talk to me or you're bitching and yelling about every little thing." 

Elliot made a frustrated sounds, running his hand through his hair. He walked away, not really knowing where he was going, but not caring either. He wanted to be anywhere but there.

* * *

It had been a week since he talked to Kathy last. He knew he'd have to call her again. They needed to talk. Things with Olivia hadn't gotten better, but they hadn't gotten worse either. He wasn't sure if that was good or bad. 

He hated pissing her off all the time. It didn't make him happy, no matter what she thought. He didn't know why he did it. He felt like he had to.

Eventually people would know that Kathy had kicked him out. He was going to make damn sure they didn't know why. He brought it upon himself, he guessed. He made the decision to buy the fucking ring.

He hated himself sometimes.

Hated himself for choices he had made, hated himself for ruining his marriage (probably for good), hated himself for hurting Kathy, hated himself for wanting nothing more than to throw Olivia down on the nearest bed and fuck her brains out. Hated himself.

_**Like? I shall write more. I feel like writing today. However, my sister is pregnant and in need of constant care. Her boyfriend is in jail. So, it falls upon me to cater to her every whim. Her baby has a giant head. And I'm going to call it "Peanut" it's whole life. Cuz it looked like a peanut the first time I saw it. **_


	4. Chapter 4

_**A/N: Um, I might be moving. To Tucson. I was going to move back to Alaska (where I'm from), but I got a job offer. Also, Star (a friend) punched me in the stomach yesterday. I was like "OMG! She punched me! I think I'm going into premature labor! I'm not even pregnant yet!" Monic came running out. She was all "You're pregnant?!?!?!" It was great.**_

_Divorce papers? Divorce?_ Elliot couldn't help but wonder if the woman was insane. Surely something he had never acted on wasn't worth all this... It appeared that all the women in his life preferred him miserable. Olivia was out, wandering around with some asshole, Kathleen was giving him hell about everything, Lizzie firmly believed it was high time she had a boyfriend, and now Kathy wanted a divorce. Yeah, over his dead body. On the bright side, Maureen hadn't done anything to annoy or devastate him recently. Dickie was getting terrible grades in school, but that really had nothing to do with women, so he didn't add that to the list.

_Stupid fucking ring._ Elliot thought to himself, as he chucked it across his hotel room. It bounced off the wall and landed on the soft carpet, where it stayed, taunting him. Suddenly he didn't want it on the floor anymore. He needed it back on the nightstand. It should be on the nightstand. If it were alive, he'd have killed it already. It must be possessed, after all. It had some kind of power over him. He wanted to take care of it. That was a bad, bad sign. _Devil Ring._

Elliot sat on the edge of his hotel bed, just looking at the shiny, round piece of metal. He resisted it's pull for as long as he could, which turned out to be a full two minutes. In the end he's always been weak, so he got up, picked it up off the floor, walked back over to the bed, and set it down next to his cell phone. It would be there when he woke up in the morning. It would be there to remind him that his fallen marriage was all his fault. He had to think. A lot.

_**Short, I know. I have to go to bed though. I have a job interview in the morning. I really hope I get it, even if I hate the job. I have bills! LOL. Not really. I don't have anything I have to pay for yet, but I have to move out some time. I'll get back to writing as soon as possible.**_


	5. Chapter 5

_**A/N: I'm gonna go take a shower, after I right this. Mmm, warm showerness...  
**_

Olivia had been seeing a man named Jack, for a few weeks. Or trying. Work made things difficult for her. They hadn't kissed or held hands yet, but he was nice to talk to. She enjoyed her time with him. He was probably exactly the kind of guy she needed in her life. Her life, apparently, didn't want him in it though. She had already had to cancel several dates. He was fairly understanding, if not a little irritated.

He was good looking too. Great hair. Great smile. Great ass. Great. She liked him, a lot. She was even contemplating when would be a good time to sleep with him. Every time she thought about it, she felt a pang of guilt in the pit of her stomach. A sort of sick feeling. She could never figure it out, but she didn't like it. She wanted it to go away, wanted to be able to have a night of great sex, without the guilt. Maybe Elliot's Catholic ways were rubbing off on her.

_Elliot. Not tonight. Don't think about him tonight. _She told herself. Thoughts of him depressed her, because thinking about him only made her think about the fact that he was unattainable. So far out of reach that there was no point in even trying. Not that she cared. She didn't want to try. She didn't want him... _Lie to yourself. Great idea. It's not like you can tell when you're lying or anything. _She thought sarcastically.

Jack. She needed to think about Jack. He was nice and he deserved better than some woman that was going to spend all her time lusting after another man. No matter how fucking hot said man may be. JACK! She was supposed to be thinking about Jack. Jack Trent. Nice name too. She shrugged as she reached into her fridge for a bottled water.

* * *

Elliot was pacing back and forth, across the floor of his hotel room. He would have to start looking for apartments. Couldn't stay in a hotel forever, and Kathy wasn't taking him back. He thought that maybe it wouldn't be so bad. He and Kathy fought most of the time anyway. He loved her, but he got tired of all the yelling. 

He would have to keep avoiding Olivia too. She had someone, and she was happy. He didn't want to ruin that. He knew that he wouldn't be able to help himself. She was too good for him anyway. He hadn't met her boyfriend yet, so he couldn't say for sure that she was too good for him, but he was almost sure. She was too good for anyone as far as he was concerned.

Jack. What kind of name is Jack? Actually, it was pretty ordinary. Nothing special. Nothing weird. Just...normal. It was the jealousy talking. He'd get over it, eventually. He hoped.

He continued pacing for God knows how long. He thought about the night Kathy had confronted him about the ring. He thought about the night he had paid for it. The night he had picked it up. The night Olivia told him that she was seeing someone. Everything. Then, he thought that maybe, just maybe, he should get rid of the ring. What if she found it? How would he explain it? The chances of that happening were slim to none, but he wanted to be sure.

He stalked over to the nightstand, where he had left the ring. He stared at it for a minute. Almost two. Then, he picked it up and shoved it in his pocket. _Dispose of it. Some place she'll never be..._ Brilliant.

He left his hotel room and climbed into the driver's seat of his SUV. Starting his vehicle, Elliot put it in drive and proceeded to get the hell out of Manhattan.

* * *

After driving for over two hours, Elliot found himself in a place he had never been. He pulled off at a rest stop, where he saw a creek. It wasn't like Olivia would drive two hours, just to go to some rest stop and search a creek. Especially if she didn't know that there was anything to be looking for in the first place, so it would do.

He took the ring out of his pocket and raised it above his head. He made a motion with his arm, like he was going to throw it, but his fingers wouldn't release the shiny, metal object. _Fuck._ He was pissed. He couldn't do it, and it made him angry. Angry that he was attached to it. Angry that he felt that throwing it away would be like throw her away. Throwing Olivia away. He couldn't bring himself to do it.

He muttered a few curses and kicked a rock or two, before slipping the ring back into his pocket. He'd just have to put it some place safe. Some place that she wouldn't look, but it would be safe. _Shit. _He got back in his vehicle and drove back to Manhattan. He was so screwed.

_**I might, maybe, write more later. Hopefully. I really want to. I feel like I've been neglecting this one. Poor baby. I have a whole bunch of shit to do. I'll try though. No promises.** _


	6. Chapter 6

_**A/N: Well, well, well. Been a while. A long fucking while. **_

_**Just in case anyone has forgotten, I own nothing. Except Jack. I just made that fucker up. Also, I'm in a fuck-saying mood. **_

It wasn't as hard as he thought it would be, avoiding Olivia. It was almost as if she were trying to avoid him as well. Good. He didn't care. It's not like he wanted to see her anyway. He didn't. Not one bit.

* * *

Olivia groaned, rolling over and stretching in her bed. It was going to be a beautiful, Elliot-less day. A day completely lacking Elliot or any thoughts of Elliot. Elliot wouldn't even cross her mind. Pfft, Elliot who?

* * *

Things were still going great. Elliot had hidden the ring in a place that no one but him ever looked. Genius.

Despite the occasional wet dream involving a certain woman he wasn't even going to think about, Elliot had managed to keep his mind off...that woman for almost six days. Besides the times when he was thinking about not thinking about her. That didn't count. It didn't.

_**A/N: Short? Yes. Updated? Yes. Seriously like the shortest thing ever... But at least it's something, until I can think of a way to get to the good stuff. And by good stuff, I mean the drama, the romance, the sex, the super awesome humor. This is going to be great.**_


End file.
